I know nothing, I know nothing
I must say I have not really contributed serious written articles like I used to. Time is certainly the factor here. There is also the fact that I am not sure if my readers actually like reading them.
Still I will attempt to do so even now as I believe that there are serious issues that are looming over us and we are not serious enough. If you do not know what is happening in Malaysia right now, I think you are in danger of being a person who is too ignorant. I know politics is not something you are interested in and neither am I really interested but with the current issues at hand. I believe we should do something. Many will ask, what can we really do?
I was so convicted by the sharing by an elderly minister in our staff devotion today. I mean God has been doing things around the world and most of us aren’t aware of it. But he said this one things that struck me. Not that I have never heard it before‚Ķ..I mean my parents keep reminding me and telling me the same thing but I just never let it set in my heart.
Honestly I put a wall around myself. I was so upset with so many people that live double standard lives. Compromising our faith and yet be given so much recognition and fame. I just hardly see people worth admiring at all. So I tell myself, I must live a life that is flawless. I must meet the expectations and rise to the occasion. Set myself as a person who can stand up and say follow me as a follow Christ. That was my lifelong resolution at 12 years of age. At 15 when I decided to accept my calling after a huge battle with myself, I started on a journey that has taken me 10 years to understand (I am so stubborn huh? Ha ha).
I do not claim to have full understanding of it yet but I certainly am going to change that resolution. I noticed the harder I push myself, the harder I push others. I get so upset when others fail at the most simple tasks which they can obviously do. Little did I realize that I was looking at the reflection of myself everyday. I’ve failed I must say. I’ve failed miserably. To an extent which I am ashamed to even talk about to the closest people in my life.
This shame and guilt and horrific failure of mine reached its climax not too long back to a point that I felt like dying. It seemed so dark. I was just crawling and begging and though the world was spinning round in all its splendor everything was just a mono color to me. Black.
It was to a point that I was crying God please don’t go away but stay away from me because I am not worthy to be near you. I will die in Your presence. For half a year or more now God has been trying so hard to tell me something. No actually for 10 years now God has been trying to tell me this. Leon, I have chosen you and I have called you by name. Yes simple right? Let me elaborate if I may. I just didn’t get it. I thought that if God chose me, I have to live like some perfect guy in order to fulfill His will. Little did I know that through these 10 years I have done the most atrocious things I could imagine and lost so many things I have held on dearly to my life.
You see I forgot the capital ‚ÄòI’ in the calling. The ‚ÄòI’ was not me but God. The bible clearly states that our righteousness is in God. It is He that makes us pure and holy. All these years, I tried to be exceptional and it was my works. I’m not saying that we should not do works. I am not saying that we shouldn’t work hard to do our best. But I certainly did my best but that righteousness I was trying to achieve was of my own. In the end, what is the point? Can a man save himself?
Now I get it, each time I do the most horrible things in life, I repent and everything and God blesses me still in amazing ways as you can see on my blog. I never was happy about it. I always condemned myself and lived in defeat. But you know what, I shall fear no more. It is not my kingdom, nor ministry. It is not my name but God’s name. It is not mine, it’s God’s. So as long as He has counted me worthy, I will live as if I am. It is tough as I am haunted constantly by these past things and even present mistakes and I’m sure they will continue to haunt me for the rest of my life and ministry.
I am not going to let others who condemn me for my sins ever stop me from saving the lost. Loving the people close to God’s heart. Honestly people need the Lord and I am wasting time moaning and groaning while there are loads of kids dying and getting raped daily. Wars happening. Again either I could stay here and ask the stupid question what can I do? Or do something. There are bigger matters in this world than ‘me’ and I’m going to do something, I can’t bear to see a child that is as beautiful as that (the picture) die tomorrow maybe even today while I’m moaning and groaning about how sinful I am and not realizing that my righteousness is in God not my actions. Do you know the statistics? It’s frightening. As I typed this blog many kids have died! People need to know that God loves them this much too. I will no longer be the best on my own accord but I will be the best because my God is the best and He loves us, all of us. He is also coming back soon. I just have to do anything I can.
My heart burns when I see pictures like these. God I am willing use me!
In the end though I only know two things in life. Jesus Loves Me this I know, and I love Him too. That’s all that matters. If I truly love Him then what am I waiting for? Do you know Him?
In the quietness of time
Through the vastness of Your grace
I know nothing, I know nothing
You know everything
I ran stubbornly
You waited patiently
Letting me know, Letting me know
You’re all I need to grow
I now see it
And I now will do it
So they’ll know, And it’ll show
That Jesus You’re all they need to know.
I know nothing,
But I know everything,
Because Jesus loves me so
And His everlasting love for me shows
amazing post ! I think i enjoy reading stuff like that, and i do agree with you…the whole world is falling apart n even right here in M’sia, things are getting out of hand.
I never really bothered about politics, only knew a jist of things, but now have to read everyday for the sake of my education and also on seeing how serious things have turned out now.
The poem speaks a lot too. Thanks its a blessing !
Leon said:
Great! Don’t be a frog under the coconute shell. Learn more.
If you write long essay or thesis, of course no one would read till the end.
This is a blog, not TIME magazine. Keep things short, interesting and straight to the point.
If you really can’t write short, then you need to brush up on summarizing your thoughts.
Leon said:
Interesting part that this is my blog and not yours. So I’m in control muahaha. I think you are wrong in perceiving that it has to be short. Please read more blogs to realise that. I do write for my readers too. But when it comes to writing about my heart and about truth I never stop talking about it. Even if I may sound like a nag. I realise you do nag and repeat a lot in real life; ask your youth they tell me one. I hope some of them are here to agree. Haha. I think leh the Bible repeats the same message over and over again. I mean didn’t you learn that in exegesis?
In the end, I write for myself too and so as long as I am at peace with God about it then why does it matter? I think it would be also a decent respect as fellow bloggers to read the whole article before commenting. That is what its all about. At least that is my principle la.
I have wrote many short ones and this time I chose to write long, its a pity you didn’t see them. Some issues cannot be summarized too. I thought it was clear I’m a person who likes to write for the minority. I did mention it right?
thank you for writing what is on your heart…sometimes we go thru life in a speed train, skipping thru unplesantness..but sharing yr heart n thoughts should be encouraged
i hav been thru some dark n difficult times n also struggled to be ‘perfect’…BUT thank God he does not want our perfectness but our willingness to follow Him….Phew! less struggle, ya?
on a lighter note…if Leon’s post is too long just remember he is preparing to help “stiff necked ” people like me who need to be constantly to be “nagged” ha ha ha !
Leon said:
Thanks for your encouraging comments. We all need to be nagged sometimes, that includes me all the time
That’s why I like you as a friend. We can agree to disagree. We can debate and sharpen each other, although you always think of my thoughts as “too liberal”. Well, as I said to your old man, I’m a post modern liberal Calvinist. Sound confused? Ha ha ha …
Leon said:
I think you are too free with you principles. I think there is danger with that
After reading MikeLeo comment, I realise that Mike is still Mike. But I don’t think you are post modern liberal Calvinist, Mike. Haha
Leon said:
I agree he is in denial!! Haha
nice to hear you expressing so honestly about what you feel. i think you should feel free to write whatever your heart prompts you to, it’s your blog afterall =).. you never know whose soul you’ll be able to touch by what you’ve written, or perhaps simply a reminder to anyone. Even if the message gets through to only 1 soul, it’s still worth it. well at least that’s what i think.
i love the way you write on these stuff, it reminds me on stuff i often forget. we have to rise up each time we fall, failure is never permanent.. remember that.. hehehe.. (easier said than done though, especially when i always feel like giving up myself).
Leon said:
Yes I pray it will get through to at least one person. Yes I think we have much in common about being so depressive sometimes hahaha