My following of American Idol has come to a close. Sadly my favorite didn’t take the title. It don’t matter to me. I’m just so blue and emotionless. Maybe not emotionless but just filled up with an absolute sense of remorse.

I feel like I have lost my purpose in life. I have been hanging around waiting for things to happen and nothing seems to come my way. I just keep failing over and over again.

Watching them live their dreams, it got me all burning inside because I too want to sing on a stage. I too want someone to recognize my talent. I too want to just be given the opportunity to sing for God. Yet, these things evade me because………..I’ll let you fill in the blanks because everybody has been giving me advice all around. They seem to know what is best for me but I don’t!!

I am going to the roughest patch in my life and I feel like King David when he sinned against God when he killed a man to take his wife

Psalms 51

To the choirmaster. A Psalm of David, when Nathan the prophet went to him, after he had gone in to Bathsheba.

Have mercy on me, O God, according to your steadfast love; according to your abundant mercy blot out my transgressions.
Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin!
For I know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me.
Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you may be justified in your words and blameless in your judgment.
Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity, and in sin did my mother conceive me.
Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being, and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.
Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean; wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones that you have broken rejoice.

Hide your face from my sins, and blot out all my iniquities.
Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.
Cast me not away from your presence, and take not your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit.
Then I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will return to you.

Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, O God of my salvation, and my tongue will sing aloud of your righteousness.
O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare your praise.
For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it; you will not be pleased with a burnt offering.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.

These words are piercing my heart…..I want to be broken, I want to remember my first love. I want You Lord. I have no one else to run to. Break me Lord! Break me!

My dream is to worship You! To stand before You in your presence in worship. But I certainly only can come bowed down before You. In You I will find my glory through the power of the cross.

I have made my life an ‘Idol’. So I forgot what I am here for. I need Your sense of purpose. I need You nothing else. I’m crying to You Lord, Let me bask in your presence once more. Let me sit beside You and talk with You….forgive me of my sins O God so that i may worship you all my days.

I am nothing! I am nothing!

Tags: cry, sorrow