It has been some time since I blogged, and don’t worry I have not neglected this blog and no it is far away from dying an unnatural death. My target is to beat Adino’s 400th post and go far and beyond. Congrats ‘Si Fu’! Just that blogging is part of my life now. Only thing the adjustment to the new life has certainly got me all unable to catch up with even reading the comments some times.

Does the title of this post catch your attention? It got me thinking today. I had been here, just making it through some of the roughest moments of my life. Still yet the perception people get about me is that I’m happy, friendly, nice, and just so well to do! All assume that all is well with me. I also assumed all is well. I feel great I mean I have had more dreams come true in these few months than in almost all the many years of my life put together.

Then something happened that startled me. The sight of blood coming from my own body, First thought, was that from me? I mean am I bleeding? How could I be bleeding? I’m fine. I checked and realised, the blood was mine indeed. Now this means I really have to go to the doctor as this is not a very good symptom. Why am I bleeding……! I mean there is no pain….

In a state of utter shock, I sat on my chair and emotions flood my body like a massive waterfall. I was losing control. I was shaking. I had mastered pain so much that I was living on it. Pain is what drives me each day. It probably lets me know I’m alive but to a greater extent became the very essence of my everyday life. So much so I was hurting all over and I didn’t know it consciously. I mean I was sitting there, and I realised there was pain where it bled from. I never realised all this time.

When I started to realise that pain, thats when my emotions flood me with all the pain I was hiding inside me. People often talk about a low threshold but here I was constantly raising the threshold bar and I didn’t realise it. I am hurting. Real badly emotionally and physically my body was washed out by my abuse of it. I can only pray the bleeding is not the beginning of a disaster to come but a reminder by the One on high to realise that I am killing myself.

I remember Pastor preaching about pain being a gift. A sign and gift from God to help us realise something is wrong. Something is really wrong. The good news is that I realise now partially that there is a problem. The bad news is I cannot fathom the extent of the damage already done.

The good news is I have a good God who can easily remove all these hindrances. The bad news is I am not sure if I had numbed so much pain that I cannot hear Him too. I should have realised in those quiet moments why I was tearing so much. There was so much pain inside. At least I have a promise that I can release all my burdens because God cares for me. Certainly this is what I’m going to try. Yet, I am afraid, shaken.

Watching the Olympics I see every athlete trying to break the pain barrier. Looking at those ladies lifting up 154kg was painful! I remember reading an interview with a top gymnast and she was asked what was key to her being able to be a gymnast. Her answer was, how much pain she could bear. Looking at them it surely hurts but they have become used to it. Is that really good? The world certainly teaches us its good if you want to be successful to do so. But should we really be ignorant of that fact that we’re in pain. How many of us can actually know our limits? Seeing the weight-lifter’s elbow snap certainly told me that it is a very risky business. In life one casualty is called acceptable losses but in the kingdom of God, there is no such thing as acceptable losses. You either make it or you break it!

I now know that success does not lie in how much pain I can bear or even how long I can bear it. It is about realising that the pain we bear can be carried by someone who did so on the cross over two thousand years ago. He is willing and asks us to even cast it all upon Him for He cares for us. There is no glory here in winning any medal for being the most successful in your own right. There is only a prize awaiting all those who wait upon the Lord for they shall renew their strength, they shall mount up on wings like eagles. They shall run and not grow weary, They shall walk and not faint.

Are you carrying, burying, hiding, numbing, ignoring, covering, concealing, distorting or maybe even owning your pain? It is not yours to carry. God will carry it for you. When we stop trying to master our pain and start realising who is the master of our pain then life will indeed reach its fullest potential and glory for our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. Who is the Master of Pain? You…..???

On a more serious note, pray for me. If the bleeding doesn’t stop, it means something VERY BAD is happening to me. Even if it stops, reading up on it has made me also see that it could be a prelude to something even worse.

Tags: pain