Have you ever felt so small about yourself that you wish you’d disappear? Have you ever thought that it is probably better you don’t exist? Ok ok, I’m rather extreme here but you know most of us suffer a common disease. We can try to deny it, hide it and pretend it doesn’t affect us at all but the fact remains that most of us are really infected and devastated by this plague in our lives.

What is it called? This disease is called ‘low self esteem’. Now come on, its no big deal because most of us outgrow it anyway. It is just like chicken pox or something…..well I’m afraid to say you’re wrong. This disease kills people daily in Japan more than anywhere else in the world. It lays dormant most of the time but when it becomes full bloom it manifest itself in many dangerous ways. Violence, abuse, divorce, suicide, depression and so much more.

Whoa I just realize I sound so serious…..yeah sorry, but I just realized I never was willing to face up with this problem in my own life. Then a very special thing happened in my life. The gift of friendship and love. I never knew how small I felt and how much I really hated myself inside and longed just to be loved.

Recently in my life because I had to leave all that was familiar to me and those I loved, it forced me to go into this self reflection mode. It all came to it’s crescendo on the 11th of January 2009. Most will think huh? Why? Cause you got a date? Hahaha partially that is so. But majorly it was because of you! Yes those of you who are reading this blog right here right now. How does this all relate to that special night please kindly read to the end of the post ok?

Well let me talk about that night first ok? Well I felt very awkward actually cause I didn’t know what to do…. I mean what am I supposed to do on a date? So well here she comes all the way and I just didn’t know what to do haha. I won’t tell you the details about other embarrassing things but just the concert night ok?

Elisabeth and her sister. Poor sister had to baby sit her all the way because her parents don’t know me.

So anyway let me introduce you to Elisabeth. I met her some years back. We couldn’t agree how long ago that was hahaha. Over the years somehow we always kept in contact. A pretty unusual thing. She lived so far away and we only met¬† a few times face to face to be frank. Still this friendship because of our faith in God somehow just kept us together all these years.

So Elisabeth came over to my place after spending¬† her time with her cousin and well after all the preparation it was time to go! Guess what she gave me a little gift. Man! Failure 1# What a lousy date you are Leon…..she got you something and you didn’t do anything! I felt like a big ‘LOSER’ sign was floating on my head hahaha. So we got on a cab cause well, I can’t possible bring her on Violet right?

Doesn’t it looked like it’s inspired by the durian?

So there we went to Esplanade….the two durians as some say. There I made her walk so much to decide what to eat. Ermmm Failure 2# Make your date walk aimlessly. And finally we decided to eat Japanese. Actually we both weren’t really hungry so we shared a set together. Here is what it looked like.

So there we were then I was like oh no, we haven’t taken any pictures yet. So we did. So there she is sitting there looking great. Don’t you think so? Haha and well the other is of me being a total dork! Hahaha

I realise I’m a bad photographer hahaha. But I think she looks great right hahaha?

She’s smiling, I’m not that bad a date gua……

Leon the Dork!

We rushed our dinner down cause we wasted too much time thinking of what to eat and we didn’t want to be late. We gulped everything down then made our way to the hall. Sorry no pictures allowed so I have nothing to show you from inside.

There I was just overwhelmed with a whole lot of emotions I didn’t understand. I was like nervous, excited and just plain happy and so much more. But somehow I just felt like such a lousy date. Then the concert began. My heart was anxious to just see Lea Salonga sing live for the first time in my life. When she started I was like ‘WOW!’. I’m quite biased here but I thought she was superb!!

If you want to have a review of the musical, I don’t think I’m going to do it here. It is a must see, in my opinion. The props were really cool. The magical effects were awesome. It felt like a dream come true. It may be a bit slow to some I believe (rightly so) but it wasn’t so to me. Maybe cause I’m like too excited. I never actually felt anything about the Cinderella story and found it rather lame. But that night, I felt the story so deeply. Love……oh my happily ever after.

Then it dawned on me. Just that very moment. I was longing so much to be loved and accepted because of my low self esteem but I didn’t realise I AM loved. She was there sitting beside me. Isn’t that proof enough? I’m not saying the ‘romantic love’ thing ok? Please don’t start winking again. To know that so many actually want to know what happened this night also. There are so many people loving me and accepting. I also know that though it was not possible to have everyone I love there that night, they were loving me and praying for me all the time. I knew someone at that moment was thinking about me and loving me too. I felt VERY SPECIAL! For the first time in my life the song I sang when I was a little boy sank in. The words that God was always trying to say to me made sense,

I am very special

There’s no one just like me

God has made me special

There’s no one just like me

So profound yet simple. I am still human and felt like a terrible date after making her walk so hard to get a taxi back. Then Elisabeth pointed me to the moon. It was a gorgeous full moon. Again I went into that mode of self pity and not realise that LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL. Failure 3#.

Outside the concert hall

She left me with a postcard the next day that told me that she really enjoyed herself and that she came down for me and not for anything else. Wow what an honor. How can I say I’m not special? How can I lie to myself anymore and think that I’m worth nothing? I can’t, God loves me and so do all of you. Despite all my failures, you all have stood by me. Thank you everyone for this very special night. Thank you Elisabeth for coming! I’m so blessed by who you are. May God continue to use you in such a wonderful way. As you serve Him, I know you’ll be magnificent!

FOREWORD

Everything written here is completely fictional and has a double or even triple meaning. But it probably is so creative that if taken in the wrong context can mean anything you want. To make things clear, this is an attempt to write a post in a more story like manner with the imagination of the future I will have with the person I love.

So the story begins…..

What would the world be without Violet in my life?….I can’t imagine no more. Ever since that day that fatefully brought us together, we have never been separated. The two of us were like the Sun and the Moon, the ocean and the waves, and even the frog and the princess. I never imagined in my life that I’d ever be so privileged to hold her in my arms as the winds blow on our faces. Together, hand in hand we’ll travel wherever the road may lead us.

She accepted me for who I am. Never questioned me and just trusted me as I led the way day by day. She waited for me when I went to work.  Was always there for me after work too. I mean what more can I ask for. How can a man like me ask for more?

On the other hand though, I am but just a man. Violet has always been so patient never making a fuss about anything. Though I push her hard and she dislikes it, all I feel is her little gentle nudge telling me please be gentle. So I oblige cause I have to admit I’m always so quick, too quick. Rushing here and there.

Ever since she has been there for me. Everything in life seems to have become so easy. Like so effortless and weightless. But still I have not been so good to her. Then today she finally got sick. Oh no, I feel so bad. I love her you see. I don’t intend for things like these to happen. Oh my dear Violet are you ok?

You see, whenever I go anywhere I am rather careless and when I need to turn to my left or right, I often rely on her. She would always wink her beautiful golden eyes and people notice that this careless man and people would give leeway to me.

Today she refused to wink. Her eyes became a dull brown. Still even though she was sick she would still faithfully follow me. I felt so bad that I left work earlier to bring her to the doctor. She was there with doctor for a while and the doctor said she has some stomach problems that’s the root of her problems. I left her there, told her I love her and said I would be back later to pick her up. That she should just relax as they took care of her.

Later it was raining but I had to see her again. So I braved the weather to be with her again. There I held her in my arms again. Together we were so happy. She was winking at me again. Her eyes looking even more beautiful and brighter. There she stood smiling and despite both of us strolling in the rain together. I am just so thankful for Violet. Thankful to God that she is in my life. I promise that I will indeed be a better partner to her.

Yet due to her past, she woke up feeling ill again. Her body just wouldn’t start up and she was low on energy, sensing something wrong I quickly brought her to the doctor again. I just hopes she gets better soon. Cause I care so much for her.