Smile

Today I received bad news. My immediate reaction was shock. It brought a deep sense of pain I cannot describe. Tears kept rolling down my cheeks and just deep grunts of tremendous grief overcame my entire being. My faithful dog Loopsy who has been with us since I was about 11 years old has passed away. I was not even there to say goodbye. I watched her grow frail as time past but I can’t accept it. Why? Why must such things happen? She did no wrong. Yet why must death be her punishment for my sins. How much can this fragile heart of mine take? I don’t even know if I will ever see her again. Although I want to believe that….can I?

Suddenly, I’m so aware of what I have been hiding deep inside me for so long. I had been grieving and it affected me and yet I let it control me.

I lost someone I loved with all my heart. Ever since then things have never been the same. They say you never really know true love. I agree that we will never love perfectly but we indeed and in part experience true love. The fact is when you love someone, that person never ever is forgotten. Losing them is like getting part of your life ripped out. I can say this that the healing will happen but the scar will always remain.

I never really knew what love is until this person came in my life. I’m writing this because I realize I never got over the grief of losing her and I hope that writing it out will help me just pen down what I’ve wanted to say all this time with no one to hear. I loved her, I still love her and always love her. Still she’s gone and I have to move on. The grief I have experienced has taken me more than a year and yet I have not been over it. This is because the love was so real.

Yet I was hurt so badly because I was said to be a liar and a terrible person. I don’t deny that I made mistakes and condemned myself for the longest time. It has made me so bitter and sour towards living.

Still the fact remains that I had to realize that God loves me the same way and is hurting at the way I’m rejecting Him and condemning myself. So I tried to move on. He blessed me and gave me grace all the way. And yet I’m still grieving. Why? I don’t know why? I want to let go of my past. I just can’t.

Yet in those moments of grief, Loopsy was there. Always there. I spent most of the time of my depression locked up in my house and the only person who cared about me was Loopsy. Eagerly waiting for me to gently rub her head, hold her and feed her. Comb her hair. You know for years I took her for granted. Didn’t want to take responsibility for the only sister I have. She cared about me. Yet here I am so so so so so so ignorant. In those moments when I was alone. It was only she who would sit by my side.

She loved me unconditionally. I thought I knew how to love. Boy was I wrong, she knew how to love me. You know what, truly this must be what true love and faithfulness mean. It must be. In those moments, I was in so much pain and all I could do was complain about my pain, I actually now can look back and realise that she too was in tremendous pain from her disease and yet she would still come to me.

Dear Loopsy, If you could only hear this, forgive me for being a terrible brother. Please forgive me. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for being there all these years. I wish I could repay that debt that now only I have come to realise. I pray I’ll see you again. Its too difficult to let you go. I’m sorry. Yes and I know what you would want is that I go on living. So I will.

So today I make my pledge to God. I will move forward. I will do Your will no matter what the cost. I have not followed Your ways and I will do so from now on because it is You and You alone that I can put my trust in. You have never failed me. I must see that You are indeed a good God. This is a truth that can never be shaken. And because of that there’s going to be a brighter tomorrow. I owe it all to You God. I owe it also to you dear Loopsy.

God please heal me. Take away the guilt. I confess I am a sinner. A terrible man. I just want to please You. I want to love You. I just want to be closer to You again. I want to so much. I want to so much. I need to so much.

I know this blog is meant to remember good times and to blog about good things. Still I never want to forget you dear Loopsy. Memories of those days running freely on the Kesas highway, wrestling with you. Chasing you as you ran away and how you were there to help me carry on are things I never want to forget. I did not deserve it but you were a heaven sent gift. I’m writing this to dedicate this post to you. It is also a vow to you and God to press on no matter what and to thank you for what you both have done for me.

Still there is so much grief, just so much grief….goodbye my dear sister.

Tags: grief